Peter Wemali
Peter Wemali
 Peter Wemali
Peter Wemali

This was a very brief interview. The kind where you barge into a security ring and shove your mike into the face of a handcuffed suspect being escorted in or out of a court.

It was outside the Kapchorwa Chief Magistrate’s Court where Peter Wemali had just had the charges he faces for turning female athletes into sexthletes amended to aggravated defilement.

The court had heard that of his many victims, the athletics coach had infected three minors aged 15, 16 and 17 with HIV, the virus that causes AIDS.

The Frying Pun had earlier tried to cajole Sipi Regional Police Commander James Ruhweza into fixing an interview with the rabid coach but the cop boss said this was a high profile ‘sexpect’ that could not be interviewed without the permission of Gen. KK.

Known telephone contacts of the general with a dry scalp were switched off by press time.

The stunt we decided on was the last option. Of course, it worked.

“Peter, did you do it? Did you actually turn athletics into sexlethics?” The Pun probed.

A guy dressed like a penguin, aka lawyer, said something about the Miranda law to dissuade Wemali from speaking to The Frying Pun.

The cops escorting the sexpest heard it but there is no prize for guessing: none of them knows of the Miranda rule. We also don’t know if it would apply here or whether the lawyer was just bragging. But Wemali responded.

“What I have done is like what Jesus did,” he started. “And what the public is doing is what the Jews did to Christ… then there are these Pharisees passing for sujui magistrates and you, the scribes,” he added, wagging a finger into The Frying Pun’s face.

“Jesus was misunderstood, he tried to do the right thing, to tell the people that they would access the Kingdom of Heaven by following his instructions, but they crucified him. I have told these athletes that they will make Kenyan athletes look like some jokes at an amusement park, but you people have hounded me out of my success story with false allegations.”

“In short, I merely gave them the sexcret to success,” he added, turning around for emphasis before explaining further.

The embattled coach said after giving the girls these sexcrets, he realised that they did not even know what he meant, besides, there was no one to readily help them with the application of the instructions since the athletes were more focused on timing themselves chase the wind than humping around.

“So what did you expect me to do?” he asked with the innocence and seriousness of a doctor administering a penicillin injection—we love the pun—on the butt of his patient.

He said: “Jesus did not just teach his disciples how to catch the fish, but also caught for them the fish. Peter Wemali did not just teach those athletes how to beat Ethiopians and Kenyans at long distance races but also showed them the sexcret in a live and practical sense.”

Laughing, Wemali said the Kipsiros were busy running and running. The only thing they did besides running was checking their wrist watches.

“You think they had time to help these young athletes, the future medalists? No. You think they cared? No. Only Peter Wemali had the time. Only Peter Wemali cared,” he said.

“Peter, with all due respect, you seem to be delusional,” The Frying Pun said. “You can’t possibly have seen your actions in such a sordid light unless these are all jokes… whatever you are saying and they can be used against you; every word you just said. Jesus? You are like Jesus? Infecting girls with HIV and you equate your sordid deeds to Jesus?”

He ignored the angry remarks and smiled like he had just been given the compliment of his life.

“You see, Mr Panner… is that what you said your name is again?… yes, Flying Pan… you see, ten years from now, those girls will be winning gold medals,” he said. “Surely, like Jesus, it is only then that the fruits of Peter Wemali’s ingenuity will be recognized, but by then Peter Wemali would be long gone… like Jesus.”

Dilating his eyes, he changed his diatribe and alluded to another scenario, a political one. “Well, you think I am insane, don’t you? Take it from me, even if they find me guilty and crucify me, this persecution I face will make me stronger. Even if they said I did wrong, what is wrong with having sex with girls? In a country where people exchange bribes in dollars, shouldn’t Peter Wemali eat where he works to supplement his meager allowances?”

Embarrassed, The Frying Pun slithered into the crowd behind him. The man is surely a beast. This world would be a better place without Wemali.