1.Isaac, Mister Van Gaal: For some reason, this guy thinks that repeating Isaac Isinde’s tactics from NTV’s Sports Bar can be replicated by some ragtag bunch of players. Will complicate things by trying to suggest a Micho-esque 3-2-1-3-1 formation, and no-one is surprised that when this does happen, he’s caught out of position.
2.“Refugee CEO living the UG dream”: No-one knows his nationality, but he’s been in Uganda a bit too long like all Sudanese for anyone to ask. However, he is a clever chap who whose brilliance doesn’t match him … that apparently is enough to make him the ‘Broke CEO’, so you frantically have stuck a cliched nickname on him and it’s stuck. Much like Neymar , he actually can’t head the ball, is too lightweight and lacks pace – yet somehow is a ‘decent presence to have about’ at corners and free-kicks.
3.Muhinda, the small guy: Always a left-back. No-one is sure whether or not he gets his boots from the kids’s section of St Francis PRIMARY School Ntinda, but as a steadfast member of the squad, people aren’t too fussed anyway. Always makes top three of player’s player of the year at the end of season awards (that ka guy aka kamanyi IT), not because he’s done anything spectacular, but because it’s those sort of importancy that will make him stay another season – no-one wants to play left-back, after all.
4.Shawn, the resident f**kboy: Is his name actually Shawn, or has someone become borderline skirt chaser and just called him that the first time he turned up? No-one will ever know, because no-one will ever dare ask. Guy tamanyi RogerMigisha! He wil even take a selfie while playing soccer. This guy can even let the opponents score just to hit the bean of the opposing captain’s girlfriend.
5.Pius, the small gate general: Staggering into the changing room with a litre bottle of Lucozade and bloodshot eyes Pius is the person you avoid at all costs. He’s a loose cannon, he’s just been on the razz, and he only turned up because ‘it keeps the fitness levels up’. No-one has ever, or will ever, mention that a better way of keeping the fitness levels up is not necking ten cans of Stella the night before, but the important thing is just KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN. He was probably a fairly good player before the booze took over, but the lure of Centenary Park nightclubs and cheap pints of Uganda Waragi was all too tempting.
6.Ssenkubuge, the brand manager: Obviously the club mean guy by virtue that the fact he’s a graphics fella, he’ll bang on more about artworks than appearances, will bore you to death at the end of season awards (wasn’t able to pick Campusbee SMA Blog of the year award on 30/3/2016), but remember – this man is vital to your club.
7.Kwesiga, the goal machine who is five years behind any trend: Desperately stuck in the 90s. He’ll still think saying ‘Wazzup’ is funny when he answers the phone, he wears an Obote bush now that he’s grown his hair long, but as soon as you try and make a joke about him still watching old episodes of That’s Life Mwaatu and using Imperial lather.
8.RIZZY, the bang average bald guy: What he lacks on the football pitch he makes up in effort. Always the guy to have a small motivational word at half-time, without realising he’s usually at fault for the things he’s said ‘we must improve on’. Stays in the team because of the satisfying sound the ball makes on his folically-challenged head when he goes up for a header. HE likes BOND 7 after games by the way.
9.Solo, the ex-semi pro: Kawunyemu v Kifesi Wanderers – Pre Season FriendlyAbsolutely always has a nickname based on his surname like ‘Bontius’ or ‘Rwamutwe’ or ‘Head Boy’, this guy will have claimed that he used to play semi-pro and definitely had trials at a professional club (always Kawunyemu v Kifesi Wanderers). But in the age of the internet no-one has ever found a trace of him playing even at Sunday league level.
10.Richard the guy who wears glasses: There’s always one, isn’t there? And every week, without fail, that fateful moment will happen when he goes up for a header… and the glasses come crashing of the face. There’s also the guy who wears glasses, but still rocks the Edgar Davids look. Beware, these guys are an endangered species. They could just be about get away with it when Davids was playing, but less so now. Where are our bespectacled heroes these days?! I mean the most loved bosses and founders of your startup.
11.Odeke, the cliche spouter: This fella claims he has mob IQ but often has absolutely no knowledge of the game, but like a 4-year-old child has been around the game long enough to repeat ‘useful’ phrases. “Box them in!”, “mukube picture”, and “bend it like Muneza” are some of the irritants he’ll spout over the course of 90 minutes.
12.Atukwasize, the defiant one: Draws really, really fast. Delivery? Absolutely zero. But look, he can run really, really fast guys. And that’s what counts. HE EVEN THINKS Kasangati is state house.
12.Onen, the ‘Big Guy’: Annoyingly difficult to play against, his size is his biggest asset – horrible to go into a 50/50 challenge with, surprisingly good feet and is always ‘busy’ when training is just cardio. He likes porn like nothing riyale.
13.Senyimba, the football scribe: For some reason, this guy thinks that repeating Uganda coach Micho tactics during an Cranes training session ahead of the AFCON 2017 qualifier against Burkina Faso at Kyadondo Pork Refinery on April 1, 2016 in Nakawa, Kampala.
14………. add yours
